It was a slow Sunday night tonight, as I slaved away my precious life waiting tables on many a few who wholly didn't appreciate my time and effort -- or simply aren't developed enough to see that effort myself and others put into making and serving their food -- and I was depressed.
I still am depressed, and I've been depressed about as long as I remember. I can't even remember a time when I remembered a time when I wasn't depressed, and if that's any sign of anything, I think that means I've probably been depressed for a while now. As a person with depression -- one who has some perspective on the matter -- the situation pretty much sucks.
The depression feel like an endless cycle from which there is no escape. By the nature of depression itself, I've bought into this lie that I am a worthless piece of shit who will never succeed or accomplish anything with my life, and in a restaurant full of ungrateful, disrespectful, and just generally unpleasant customers (with a few major exceptions), almost every person I talk to is feeding my the same message.
It's like I'm constantly being assaulted from the inside and out -- the inside saying that I can't succeed and will never be happy with anything I try, and the outside saying that I haven't succeeded and that I'm an idiot for even attempting to try.
And the hardest part of this experience for me is that I know my interpretation of the night is so skewed from the "truth" that I can hardly stand it. My mind tells me that no customer was happy and that I fucked up every order for every table I had tonight, but the reality is that I did everything I could to the greatest of my ability at the time that it happened and that no one complained or stiffed me or even made a snide comment about my serving ability the entire night.
And yet I'm still depressed.
And yet I'm still depressed.
And yet, I still write myself off like I'm nothing and pretend like the problem isn't there. I still act like nothing's happened, the world is perfect, and I've nothing to lose. But the world is full of grandeur, mystery, and woe; and if I continue to shrug it off like a sniffle and continue in listless numbness to my meaningless death as I have, I'm gonna end up with a bullet in my brain and a sad note on a coffee table, detailing my meaningless death.
Today, I vow to Wake Up, and change.
~leerumler
With whatever god as my witness, I will violently beat your corpse if you kill yourself. No.
ReplyDeleteWith my self as my own god and witness, I swear I will not commit such an act. I've tread too close to that dark path too many times and have stared into that abyss long enough to realize that a swift end is not what I seek.
DeleteIndeed, quite the opposite, really.