God Sight?

I think I just saw some backwash floating down into the bottom of the glass of water I was drinking.  That's pretty fuckin' gross.

I'm still going to drink that water.

Anyway, today was actually a really good day at work.  Maybe it's the god sight level of caffeine and pot high I'm at when I'm writing this, but today seemed like a really good step in the right direction.

A couple days ago, I realized that whenever I start thinking, I stop performing as well as I would if I just act instinctively.  So, by attempting to continue to act instinctively even when I want to act cognitively, I think my performance has improved.  Or maybe I'm just not as worried about it, and that's warping my perception.  Who knows?

I've also realized lately that I have this tendency to simply freeze and dissociate any time any sort of challenge or disagreement arises, not because I'm afraid of someone hurting me but because I'm afraid of hurting someone else.  This brings up some very strange feelings.  I don't actually have words for them.

Both of these tendencies, I've noticed at work, and so both of them I'm been striving to improve at work, and today, both of those tendencies yet again proved themselves true.  By acting instinctively, presently, and compassionately, I stabilized a volatile and hostile situation while remaining authentic and honest, and may have saved my boss' job.  At least that's my hope.  I'm not supposed to talk about that, though, and I may have even already said too much.

The end of the situation has yet to come, though, but I've done as much I can to ease the tension, and I feel as though that tension is resolved, as the tension about my schooling has recently become resolved as well.

One year ago, about this time, I had a complete nervous breakdown.  I stopped going to school for two months, and failed three of my four classes.  The fourth class was an ethics class, and in ethics class, failing a striving student for having a nervous collapse

During that month, I did nothing but have panic attacks, work, and sleep.  I smoked a lot of pot, too, but mostly that, along with the companionship of my pothead friends, was supposed to help with the panic attacks.   This was the third -- and final -- time I considered suicide.  I decided against it.  Same reason as the first time.

Because of me failing a semester and being dropped a few classes do to absences, I've been very afraid to go back, but after consistently going to school for a few semesters, as well as fucking some shit up in an online class -- while working full time (though that is now changing because I can't keep up on homework anymore, haha) -- I'm feeling fairly confident in my abilities to continue kicking ass and taking names in school.  I've also decided that I'm not going to worry so much about my memory anymore.  That might sound strange, and it kind of is, but I needed to say it.  Hopefully that'll help me remember it.

I finished that water, by the way.

>Lee